Adoption Journey to China: Home With Our Son

We arrived home Friday Jan. 16 after twenty some hours of travel time. I had intended to blog while traveling, but it just didn't happen. The VPN program to bypass blocked internet sites in China was blocked in Shanghai and also in our son's province. We did have internet part of the time in Guangzhou, but I didn't feel much like blogging. So now I will share a little...

Friday, January 2, we had to get up at 2:30 am to start our day. We traveled from Chicago to Shanghai; such a long painful flight. When we got there it was Saturday evening because of the time difference. A hot shower, decent meal, and a good night's sleep helped a lot. We didn't do any site seeing in Shanghai, because of the lack of time and from being too tired. Sunday morning we took the bullet train to Nanjing, where we received our son on Monday January 5.

Gotcha Day is terrifying. After a long seventeen months of paperwork, waiting, and many emotional ups and downs, we faced one of the most nerve racking experiences a person can go through; much worse than wedding day jitters.

We got to the Civil Affairs Office before he arrived. Four other families were there for their children too. One little girl had already been handed over to her family before we got there, and she was crying at the top of her lungs and screaming "no" repeatedly.

Finally, the door opened and in walked two little boys. We saw Yangkang for the first time. He seemed really out of it. The first stage of grieving in toddlers is the zombie stage, but he hadn't been handed over to us yet. We were quickly told that the two boys were acting opposite of their personalities. The little boy that was smiling and playing was typically quiet and shy. Yangkang, they said was usually outgoing, but was now quiet and withdrawn. They also said that he had just woke up from a nap, and that he was sick with a cough. They brought Amoxicillin and some cold medicine for us if we wanted to give them to him. We all hugged him and talked to him, and even held him, but got very little response from him.

The adoption is not finalized on Gotcha Day; families have a 24 hour bonding period to make sure they want to go through with the adoption. Once we were back at the hotel, the second stage of grieving began--crying. We weren't in the room for long when he went to the door and tried to open it. He then leaned against the wall and began quietly sobbing. When we tried to console him, he began crying louder. For the rest of the day he cried off and on. He got very upset when we took of his coat and later his shoes. He kept hanging on to his shoes and pointing to the door, then crying more. He also got very upset when I changed his diaper. (He is not potty trained. The nannies at the orphanage said that they didn't even try to train him, because the orphanage doesn't have enough help. He is almost 4 years old, and has no idea he should be using the potty, and with the language barrier it's going to be difficult to train him right away.) Anyway, that night we managed to get his out layer of clothing off. Underneath he was wearing knit pajamas, so he slept in those. We didn't dare try to give him a bath the first night as upset as he was.

The second day, he was a little better. He cried much less, but still whined when we changed his diapers and clothes for the day. I was afraid he would be scared of a bath that second night, but he ended up loving it.

The bonding and attachment seemed to start quickly. He saw Mia coming to us for hugs and to be held and he would do the same. At first he would back into us for a quick hug. As days went by he seemed to be more and more comfortable with giving and receiving affection.

We had been told that he was naughty and mischievous. We started seeing this by the second day. He would look at us before he did something he knew he shouldn't. We would tell him no, then he would smile or laugh and do it anyway. We think he did this in the orphanage in order to get more attention. He has for the most part stopped this since we have arrived home.

By the third day in China, the crying/whining stopped, and we were able to change his diapers and clothes without him getting upset.

Another behavior that has been particularly difficult is that every time we were in a public place with lots of people, such as restaurants, trains, planes, etc. (which was daily while in China) is that he would scream as loud as he could and run from us. Maybe the bonding and attachment wasn't going as well as I had thought. He would run up to strangers and try to look at their phones, or push buttons on their laptops or look in their bags. A couple times he called other women ma ma. He has had multiple caregivers (calling them all ma ma), because he has lived most of his life in an orphanage. He doesn't understand boundaries with strangers, because he doesn't understand what a family is.

Adoption is hard. A child that has been institutionalized has many obstacles to overcome. Generally children are 6 months behind developmentally for every year they have spent in an orphanage. This would make Yangkang more like a two-year-old, and in many ways this seems to be the case.

We have been home a little over a week now, and he seems to be making progress a little each day. By the way the final stage of grieving in toddlers is temper tantrums. We have seen a few of these, but thankfully they have been mild and not violent.

Our biggest challenge right now is Mia's jealousy, and Mia and Yangkang fighting over toys; regular sibling stuff.